Secrets

I have a secret. And it is one that is literally eating me alive…

I love my husband. Adore him. For my previous audience who know my stories, the best relationship in the world that was a hard battle – savagely fought for and won.

We had a huge milestone leap this year. Well, I did. I finally confessed our debt issues. Man, he took it in stride. What??!!! He wasn’t resentful or festering-and we made a plan. Lord have mercy, it was amazing the level of major set backs but I’ll be damned if we didn’t do everything in our power to stick to our plans. We’re still sticking to it, of course, and hopefully shit will stop happening so we can make real progress-but that’s beside the point.

I’ve been struggling. I’ve always wanted my own business. And Lord knows Adam has certain skills that he can (and has been) side hustling. I finally found IT. The thing. I know in my core.

But, I can’t tell my husband yet. Or my son. I will take full responsibility for my complete last of going BIG, failing, and walking away. (To be fair-never with a legit business though). That’s the bipolar in me–my manic phases–I get it. So that makes it very hard to believe in me after 20 years of blazing fires that burn as quickly as a dried-out Christmas trees in the fire pit (which is wicked cool if you ever get to do that, by the way).

I don’t blame them, seriously, my son is an overachiever-beaver and somehow manages to still be “cool”, charismatic, buff, and a dickhead know-it-all at 17 (but still loves his mother). But–the point GLARING here is that they don’t believe the big ideas.

So weird… I finished 2 degrees, a post-Masters certification, and promoted 5 levels (5!!!) in 4 years at work–but on the personal side, I am… shot I don’t even know.

But THIS…y’all this is the thing. I’ve never felt the call so badly. I’m terrified of failing, and I’m doing everything my power to get this right…. but until I launch–I can’t tell my husband or my son. I can’t risk the tragedy of the belief their eyes won’t be able to hide. I can only tell them when I fully launch. Which should be in a few weeks. But it’s KILLING ME to be keeping this from him. It feels so wrong. But I am seriously afraid.

Please send me good vibes that I get this, and don’t fail. I don’t need to be a magic success overnight-seriously-but a little at first would be SO great to have in hand when I reveal. He’ll still be hurt I didn’t tell him, but I can only pray he’ll understand why.

This is for me.

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