Money

Money. Credit. Debt.

Money. We all need it.

Credit. We’re like, not even a valid person if we don’t have any nowadays.

Debt. The root of ALL evil and what keeps me up at night. In a cold, fear-drenched sweat.

I read a saying tonight that says “A year from now all the things you’re stressing about right now won’t even matter.” Ppsha-this kind of debt will follow me around for years!

I can only pray my second job keeps us from having to swipe that damn credit card any more, although it has become clear I can’t get by with only two days a week, I need to work three at least to make any headway…

I just feel like every month we get deeper in the hole and I just don’t have any sight as to how I can make headway, for real. Inevitably something comes up every month. Like right now we desperately need a new dryer. We’ve had ours serviced and it still takes three cycles to dry a load of clothes! That’s killing our already ridiculous power bill of a whopping $450 a month! We’re trying everything we can think of to get that sucker down too. We had to buy a generator because I work from home in the mountains-when weather gets bad here and we’re out of power I still need to be able to work. I’ve already had to use it and we’ve had it two weeks (our power grid here seems to be fragile)! Every time I got in my car I was afraid it would break down on me and as many times as I’ve fixed whatever issue it was that made the check engine light come on, it was something else that made it come back on. I was throwing gobs of money into that thing hoping I could pay it off soon and drive it for years more-send that car payment I was making to debt, but I had to break down and buy a new car. I downsized as best I could but the fact is now I have a payment for a few years instead of a paid-off car. Sigh… what’s coming next month? And Christmas! How will I even do a small Christmas this year??

I keep praying for guidance and peace, and to be shown the way that I can save myself from this – how will I ever get out of this debt crisis I’ve caused? We tithe and that’s very hard on me because I see that huge number every month and think, “I could pay everything off quick with that kind of payment towards debt”. I know I’m not supposed to think that way, give with an open heart, but I do struggle with this every payday when I send a wire to the Guatemalan church we support. Pray pray pray for some light into this black tunnel. Or should I say red tunnel…

I’m beating myself up every day, how could I have let this happen? I am smarter than this! But the fact is I did, so I’m working two jobs to try and rectify this and I’m utterly exhausted.

Money money money, must be sunny, in a rich mans world…

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9 comments

  1. So far as Christmas goes..try creating things for the people you love instead of purchasing something.
    On the electric..turn up the thermostat 5 degrees, turn off lights when leaving the room. It takes more energy to leave them on than it does to turn them on. Unplug all appliances you aren’t using at the moment if you can. A TV or DVD player will still suck a ton of energy when it is turned off. Contact your local power company for an “energy check” and they will bring you free light bulbs that use 1/20th the energy. hang a rope and hang those clothes to dry outside. You will save almost 300.00 a year just hanging up the clothes. The most important thing though? Stop kicking yourself, and stop worrying so much. Worrying about the situation just makes it worse and will never make it better. Hang in there kiddo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We actually did have an energy consultant come out, funny you should mention. I’m going to try all those things you listed that I haven’t done already for sure! “Worry” is definitely something I wish I could turn off, I’m trying. It isn’t helping, just making me sick.

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  2. I feel like we subconsciously wrote a very similar article, I really like your post but it just reminds me of the daily challenges of money. Your words of what’s coming next month is a fear I feel I have always… please don’t let anything break or anyone get sick… Fingers crossed the rest of this month goes well!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes that’s my mantra every day “please nothing break down!” I find myself having dark thoughts about this too, but that’s too much for this forum. Just fear talking.

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  3. ABBA lyrics to end? Proof that you are going to be OK. 😊 Sending a wish for financial peace of mind to settle upon you. Debt , now and future, keeps me up at night too. I know that doesn’t help, but maybe it will help to know you’re not alone in that frustration of looking blankly st what looks like an insurmountable peak (or abyss, you choose). xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Wendy 😘. I know the world as we know it is not ending, and I can pay all of my bills and groceries, but I definitely look in the mirror and think “stupid stupid stupid” once or twice a day – lol. And I Wish I was alone-that no one else had this fear/guilt too. But there’s a bright side right? I’m going to get out of this and hopefully have finally once and for all changed my relationship with money and quit being stupid and ignoring the money. Because that’s what I totally did- I literally ignored the checkbook for a full year! Who does that?! This brain surgeon right here. I will not do it again because even if the BP kicks into overdrive like that again I’m sicking my husband on it to manage while I live in my oblivion until it passes (credit cards frozen of course). This, this is my demon. Some it’s sex, others it’s drugs, others its gambling – me, it’s always been money. Dangerous – it can ruin marriages (debt). I think, no I KNOW that’s why my husband doesn’t quite know all of the details. 98%. But there a little bit more that would send him through the roof if/when he finds out and I am not ready for that day ☹️ I’m catching your sweet wish in the blogosphere and will hold it close tonight to bring me peace. Thank you my friend!!

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