Fake It

I had so many plans for today’s post- warm and fuzzy and lights and rainbows. I will save that draft for another day, but the week has taken a not so sun-shiny turn, so not really in a warm and fuzzy kind of feels right now.

I am miserable working my second job, for many reasons. And it seems I am making everyone else around me miserable too. The kids say I am just remote and grumpy, and my husband… well, about my husband…

So I have a LOT of guilt and resentment, and guilt about my resentment related to my current situation. I don’t need to get into the weeds on the why, really, but the fact of the matter is the why has caused a rift in my marriage. Sad thing is, my husband and I are at an impasse that neither one of us knows how to solve it. It’s not “divorce” bad but it’s still bad enough.

What does one do when they know they’ve screwed up royally? I don’t even know how to dig myself out of this hole.

Put on a smile and pretend you’re not miserable, apparently. In the words of my 16-year old “pretend you’re happy and maybe eventually you will be.”

Maybe…

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12 comments

      1. I think you have to focus on how to fix the fact that you are miserable… because even if you hide it, if you feel terrible, it will have impacts on both you and your loved ones in the end anyway, Beautiful!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. All things in time… There is no rush! 🙂 What I mean, is that if you just sit thinking “I am miserable”, you’ll just be miserable. If you put your mind in thinking that you are miserable, but will find a way to change that, even the hope of changing your life will make a difference 🙂 At least, that’s what I think…

        Liked by 1 person

    1. We’ve worked past harder more serious matters for sure. I’m confident we can this time too, but the “now” part really sucks. You’re totally right, I do have to dig down deep. Thank you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Amanda I kindly suggest that you forgive yourself. Forgiveness is a powerful elixir that will help all that you are personally feeling right now simmer down a bit.

    Then gather your loved ones and ask for their help. Let them know that you are doing the best you can right now, and would really appreciate their help and understanding. Apologize [use this word, not sorry], for what’s been cast their way without going into detail. Then ask again for their help and understanding. Make eye contact with each.

    Finally…

    Ask if you can have a lingering hug from each. This part may bring tears. Tears are cleansing. They wash away a lot of pain. They also clear the air. Once every one has taken a breath of fresh air, you may be surprised with the results.

    Peace Be Still. And so it is!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the loving words. They really mean a lot and I will definitely take your advice. Forgiving myself will be the hardest part for sure. I will fight through and try and make the best of it-WITH the hell of my loved ones. Thank you Sparky-you’ve brightened me. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Amanda, Amanda, Amanda Sparkyjen’s reply is the only reply that even comes close to being encouraging or positive. Do everything Sparkyjen says to do. It’s all good. “Did down deep and fight” is absurd. It’s the worst think you can do. You’ll only cultivate your misery further and make yourself miserable AND angry. As I have said over and over in this space, the only hope you have for turning your misery into joy again is with Jesus. Matthew 11:28-30. Don’t just read it. Meditate on it. Pray it. Do it. Then memorize Psalm 46:10 until you believe it and can say it in your sleep. There’s not one pit you can dig, not one hole you can fall into that God can’t love you out. Quit trying and start trusting. It’s your only hope. You can NOT do this on your own.

    Liked by 1 person

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