My husband comes home from Guatemala tonight. I am SO excited. I have to admit, I had a really hard time with him being away. Maybe it’s because he’s never been this far from me before – in another country and, for the most part, out of pocket. He says he has so many stories to share and he’s texted me so many times about how much he misses and loves me. It’s wonderful and amazing, I’ve missed him so……but, I am clouded with angst over his return.
See, I promised God I would confess to my husband about our finances this weekend when he returned from his Mission trip. I didn’t want to tell him before he left, I needed to make sure his heart and mind were where they needed to be – with God and God’s works. So now, the time has come.
What will he say? What will he do? Will he leave me? I don’t think so, but seriously this is a lot of money we’re talking about here. A lot. And I do not handle my husband being mad at me well at all. I’m a ‘fixer’ and if I can’t fix it, I shut down. I have got to keep my faith and strength through this.
I secretly wish I were telling him I was having an affair, or that I have some secret drug addiction, or that I am dying of some rare disease. It’s almost worse to say it’s just gone on nothing in particular – just frivolous over-spending. I have charts and graphs and spreadsheets to show him, and I’ve been in therapy a few times about the whole thing, with one more session tomorrow to prepare for “the talk” that is to take place this weekend.
The best thing that has come from this is the realization that when I try to do it “my way” instead of God’s way, it’s a sure failure. In this, God tested me with money and I failed. I failed Him and I failed my husband. The only thing I can do now is beg for forgiveness and make strides to not to stray from obedience again. I have to accept that what is lost is lost and it cannot be recovered. I need grace and mercy, courage and faith.
So my beloved comes home today. My rock, my partner. And he feels the same about me…for a few more days at least.