Evening Coffee

I write tonight without an idea in my mind or a plan for what to write. So I’ll just…write. 

With an array of technical woes over the course of the last two weeks, of which I’ll spare you the mundane details, I’ve been absent from my WordPress family – my greatly missed tribe. To that end, I’ve not written a word either, here or even in my journal.  Half of me just doesn’t want to read the thoughts from my heart right now…

For someone who really has to have some semblance of control, I feel extremely displaced, off-track, and doing exactly what I have so furtively been trying not to do anymore, which is letting life drive the bus.  When I say everything in my life is off the rails right now, I do mean almost everything.  Work, money, weight, fitness, kids, chores, money (yeah I know I said that one already)… 

On my 7 hour trip home tonight I did a couple of hours of hard thinking about how to get back behind my own wheel. I found myself so angst-ridden after a bit I decided that I was either going to have to stop the car and throw up or, as I opted for instead, to just pop in my headphones and turn Audible on to escape my spiraling mind trip. My therapist might have some seriously stern words for me about what a mess I seem to have made for myself, and so swiftly, the next time we meet. My ducks are not in any kind of row right now. None of them. 

I wholeheartedly wanted to write a bright and sunny post tonight. Something joyful and inspiring! But I myself feel like I’m caved in and my walls are closing in still. I am hard-pressed to see the tiny lights filtering through the cracks and letting just enough oxygen in for me to breathe. And I’m quite literally hiding, not even my husband is aware of the extent of my stress. Why I share it even here is making me wonder… maybe the simple need to connect and tell someone what I’m feeling? 

So beyond my blabbering on about my chaotic state of affairs right now, I pose the question to you my dear friend, are you letting life drive the bus?  Oh I so hope the answer is no. But if the answer is yes or maybe or I don’t know, find your quiet spot, say your prayers, and get yourself back into the driver’s seat before you’re journaling posts like this one.  

Thank you for sharing a cup with me tonight, and even though I wasn’t the best company, I hope that I leave you feeling reflective of your own Road. Tomorrow is a new day, eh? 😉

Advertisements

18 comments

  1. Great to see you back. Sorry about the bus. I have to allow Jesus to drive the bus. When I try, I always go off track. My road’s not clean and green right now either, and there’s some angst in the road, keeping me from feeling that closeness with the Lord. I must keep remembering that God’s in control and His plan is going to work for my good, no matter how I feel about it. Take care. Write when you can. and GET SOME REST! :>)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am definitely with you on letting Jesus take the wheel and drive. But I also do believe He requires intentional works ‘do what you must with the gifts I’ve bestowed upon you to do them’. He can’t live for me, only I can live through Him. Focus, determination, discipline… without these things He cannot work through me. Like walking through a hoarder’s house – got to clean out the junk to see the floor. I’m so sorry for whatever it is you have challenging you right now and I’m here if you want to vent! Have to walk through the valleys to get to greener pastures with Him. As long as we’re with Him we are safe. *hug*

      Like

    1. Sending them back to you girl! 😘 I have to find myself a personal mantra that reminds me throughout the day that says something like “God blessed me with this, now do something with it already”.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Amanda, sorry your not feeling so good, I know it is hard but try to focus on the good in your Life (yes, there is things ) I hear you ! The more you focus on how you feel now, the more of the same will surface, change your thoughts and see the good things, give it a try and the next coffee you will really enjoy ! Lots of positivity coming your way xx
    Brooke

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you – yes trying very hard to channel the positive. It’s not so much that I’m in a dark place just more like I’ve lost control-have no footing that’s needed to ground me. Like a car taking air and you’re not quite sure if you’ll land unscathed or whether the car will bust into pieces, lol. We’ll see. I believe in Jesus and Karma too, and I’ve got Him and truly believe I’ve got pretty good Karma out there. I’ll be fine just need better feet.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Welcome back. Sorry you are having a rough time. Life drives my bus too. Kids, not enough sleep, money etc. If I’m too tired I do nothing. I wish I had the discipline to write daily but I don’t. If I may recommend a book: The Magic by Rhonda Byrne and The Ananda Meditation app by Deepak Chopra. My 2 favorite ways to come out of a funk. Take care. Hope you are better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Yes I find discipline is what I need most but struggle with the hardest. I will definitely check out those books, I like Rhonda Byrne and I was actually thinking about studying meditation a bit more, thank you! Let’s shove our way back to the driver’s seat, shall we? ❤️

      Like

  4. I think this is a great post, and that WordPress is often one of the best places to get stuff off your chest that you couldn’t quite put into words. I used to be a prolific diary writer, and am a firm believer in the healing power of writing. I don’t think you need to worry so much about letting life take the steering wheel; sometimes life takes over, sometimes fate takes charge. This only works if you don’t give over control entirely, and instead accept the time that life takes the lead, all the while accepting that you’ll soon need to take back over. It is a process of acceptance. Personal responsibility; but also acceptance of the forces that are greater than us. I so hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s