Evening Coffee

 

 

Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or having everything happen all at once.

 

I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck..and it’s only Tuesday.  I should be having a beer right now instead of this Java because ‘tears in my coffee’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it, eh?

I’m just going to be straight-up honest…I’m overwhelmed with a capital O at work. Caught up in trying to teach myself all of these new things at once –complicated things – from documents and videos, I just feel a bit out of my element and even further out of my league.  I’ve got the devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear You’ll never understand this. You’re going to make yourself look stupid in front everyone because you don’t know what you’re doing!  And this devil is on repeat and festering, wearing me down. Red flags are popping up everywhere-procrastination, avoidance, ADD and utter loss of cognitive function. They’re going to find out soon that I am really not that good.

I don’t sit here and pop off about my internal dialogue just for the sake of whining. Well maybe I do, there’s only so much panic I can actually show at work. Challenge? I’ve got this. Only to realize that maybe I don’t got this.  But my current situation also serves as an example of the many times we ask ourselves if we’re enough.  Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I…whatever…enough? I would love to understand what constitutes good enough anyway.  What’s the measurement by which we value our standard against?

Ah ha! Ladies and gentlemen your ego has entered the building. And oh look, he brought superego and id along too!  And I don’t mean ego as in the I’m so amazing even the rain refuses to fall on me and soak my pants. Ego as in self, the I. Freud if you’re really stumped, have a quick lesson. There is psychology around the theory that ego is developed during childhood events or traumas that shaped your id and how you are equipped to deal with superego. And further discussion about this topic could go on and on and it become the focal point for this post, but I’ll avoid that deliberation now.

I will tackle, for my own sake, breaking down some of that inner conflict and feelings of low self-worth with tidbits of advice and cheer:

  • “Turn you inner critic into your raving fan.”
  • Place sticky notes all over your surrounding with sayings to validate yourself and uplift your psyche.
  • “I’m great at what I do and the fact the I’m still doing it tells me I’m doing something right.”
  • Um, if you were good enough to do those other things you didn’t first know how to do, why can’t you do it this time?
  • Shut that demon down by interrupting the negative speak with a positive affirmation as quickly as possible.
  • Have courage. Move forward and really test what you’re capable of.

I don’t have an arsenal of quippy tid-bits, lest I start rummaging through Pinterest’s inspiration. In my current woe-is-me mindset that exercise just does not appeal to me right now.  I ordered a new book, As a Woman Thinketh, hearing it’s a great resource for this very negative self-speak. In the meantime I’ll keep trying to clear my mind, take a bit of my own advice and little sayings, and pray I do ‘got this’ – Lord knows I have everyone watching how this goes right now.  No pressure or anything. 

Coffee cup is empty now. Thanks for letting me whine.  Little prayer for cognitive understanding and a little Zoro whiplash badassedry would be welcomed. 📿 🙏


File Jul 27, 3 40 57 PM

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9 comments

  1. Remember, you are using a lot of energy being negative about yourself, just imagine that energy on a positive note !! Amanda you rock! Thats why you have this job ……YOU can do this and much more. Don’t forget to breath in all your qualities and take them with you !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am trying, I am. I had to to be able to get this out last night, being in this ‘afraid’ state of mind. Channeling the positive and most of all “quit 2nd guessing myself!” Thank you for your words ❤️

      Like

  2. I completely feel your pain. I am busy at the moment on a project that is so far out of my comfort zone I had to have jabs to get here. It has been keeping me awake at night, had me feeling sick, so certain was I I couldn’t do it, and even more certain I didn’t want to. But my self defeating inner voice is continually in an argument with my other inner voice, the one that says “You have to try!”. So I did try, and I got through, and no, I didn’t enjoy it, but I am proud of myself for my persistence and resilience, and now I know I could do it again if I had to. It is amazing what you can achieve when you have to, and it almost always works out far better than your imagination had you worried. Good luck with your work 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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