Self-perception

“It’s just as easy to believe we’re awesome as it is to believe we’re giant sucking things” -Jen Sincero

In the self-help book realm of things, I picked up a book recommended to me by a good friend of mine.  You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. I’m only a few chapters in, but it’s got my attention for sure.

This particular area of exploring self perception has me realing – I am horrible at this. I’ll be rocking like rock star and still think to myself ‘what happens when they discover I’m not really’…just waiting for the proverbial bubble to burst. So in comes Self Sabbotage like the bitch that she is in my life, taking me down a notch because self-doubt and second-guessing myself takes over. And then that’s right about the time when I start make mistakes. Being a rockstar thrills me and scares me that it’s not truly real.

I can’t seem to possibly believe I can be, and am, a rock star. And why can I not? It’s not like I was raised in a home where I was told ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘succeeding is bad’.  None of that. Where my self confidence sub conscience lives is an island of my own making. Is just believing that I am and owning it that easy? Just do it. 

Searching for purpose in my life now has wings.  Pinpointing what that purpose is so I can fly towards it, in it, has me screaming from the birds nest.  Ready to fly finally, after so so long, but still at a loss for what I’m supposed to fly towards.

Start a side business? Doing what? What’s my product, what’s my niche, what’s my mission? And really why, I love my job. I want to promote and help others grow, solve business problems and improve efficiency. I like working for ‘the man’, this company for certain. I’m proud of what I do.  I still have a lot, lot, lot to learn but I’m doing just that and well, I’m not doing half bad at it. I don’t need to run a business to self-fulfill. The checkbook might be better for it though. If I ever put my hand on something I want to do I guess I’ll cross that bridge then eh?

Volunteer my time and treasures? Sure that’s on the high priority agenda but where, doing what?

Travel? Oh please yes. With what money and at what sacrifice to my family?

Bringing the last two together I had planned a mission trip for this year that was unfortunately canceled altogether due to a shift in leadership. I took that as a sign from God that this was not in His plan for me, and begged an answer for His alternate direction. Perhaps I’m being obtuse with His answers.  I’ll have to extend my listening skills during prayer and mediation time. What gifts have I been given, those that I am truly confident in, can be given back?  Jack of all trades, master of none… 

I see my oldest daughter following the same path that I have most of my life-blaze a trail, but when the road splits into easy and harder, bailing and veering left into easy is the choice. That’s not to say that I don’t work hard, I do and she does as well. But when the shit hits the fan we both have a tendency to bail. I have taken that as its time to lead by example better than maybe I have in the last years. I mean I’ve just recently starting living this mission of mine, I can’t undo 15 years for her without some real bonefide example setting.

The indecisiveness has to take a hike.  I am a badass, I know this. And I don’t necessarily need another self help book to tell me that.  But I’m certainly looking for guidance on understanding me better and then getting out of my own damn way.  At least so far I have been able to start to clearly see the blockades I’ve made for myself more clearly. That’s the first part of the journey right? Realizing you have a problem or set of problems that you have to meet head-on…

Taking a hard look at my own self-perception has to be in the to-do list. Really explore why I feel like I will fail and then stop for the very fear of failing. Like most, I don’t handle it well. I don’t handle the shame of failing – especially self-sabotaged failure – well either. Gotta do something about this.

Have you looked in the mirror and seen your successes lately? Or are you still seeing only your failures? Or worse, see your future potential failures and detoured (i.e. Self sabotaged)? 

Let’s change the game we’re playing with ourselves, shall we? Time to do some more “Jumping“…

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10 comments

  1. I can resonate with this in the sense that I’m seeking for purpose now, a direction that sometimes doesn’t show itself too clearly. Makes it hard to focus when you don’t quite know where you’re heading.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. A recent read that helped me out is The Obstacle is the Way. I don’t love the writing style but it is a modern way of looking at Stoicism that stuck with me. Also, it’s an easy read.

        Like

  2. Ah the big question, the what! Also the why! It can be tricky to navigate but once you figure it out, everything will flow from there. I might write about this next, having read your post now. I don’t usually plan what I’m going to write about and intended to put it in this comment, but I suspect it will be too long. Stay tuned, I have some ideas. Love that you are exploring this, it’s the stuff of life, in all it’s juicy glory. ❤ xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Yes, learning to get past self-doubt and embracing experiences as learning, as an experiment, an adventure. It sounds like you are well on your way, you are awareand rethinking. I’ve struggled with self-doubt in the past, and still have to be aware when it tries to creep back in. I’ve learned to change my thinking. It’s interesting because I think a lot of people experience self doubt, and it’s good for them to know that they are not alone. Great post! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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